Guide to getting and playing better gigs

How To Sing The Blues

Most blues begin "Woke up this morning."

"I got a good woman" is a bad way to begin the blues, unless you stick something nasty in the next line. I got a good woman--with the meanest dog in town.

Blues are simple. After you have the first line right, repeat it. Then find something that rhymes. Like........

Got a good woman with the meanest dog in town.
He got teeth like Margaret Thatcher and he weighs 500 pounds.

The blues are not about limitless choice.

Blues cars are Chevies and Cadillacs. Other acceptable blues transportation is Greyhound bus or a southbound train. Walkin' plays a major part in the blues lifestyle. So does fixin' to die.

Teenagers can't sing the blues. Adults sing the blues. Blues adulthood means old enough to get the electric chair if you shoot a man in Memphis.

You can have the blues in New York City, but not in Brooklyn or Queens. Hard times in Vermont or North Dakota are just a depression. Chicago, St. Louis and Kansas City are still the best places to have the blues. So Leeds, Rotherham and Wigan are out.

The following colours do not belong in the blues: Violet, beige or mauve.

You can't have the blues in an office or a shopping centre, the lighting's all wrong.

Good places for the Blues are:

a. The highway
b. The jailhouse
c. The empty bed

Bad places are:

a. Rackhams
b. Gallery openings
c. Weekend in the Hilton

No one will believe it's the blues if you wear a suit, unless you happen to be an old black man.

Do you have the right to sing the blues?

Yes, if:

a. Your first name is Georgia
b. You're blind
c. You shot a man in Memphis.
d. You can't be satisfied.

No, if:

a. You were once blind but can now see.
b. You're deaf
c. You have a trust fund.

Neither Julio Iglesias nor Barbra Streisand can sing the blues.

If you ask for water and baby gives you gasoline, it's the blues.

Blues beverages are: Beer, whiskey and muddy water. Blues beverages are NOT:

a. White wine and soda
b. Port and lemon
c. Cherryade

If it occurs in a cheap motel or a shotgun shack, it's blues death. Stabbed in the back by a jealous lover is a blues way to die. So is the electric chair, substance abuse, or being denied treatment in an emergency room. It is not a blues death, if you die during liposuction treatment.

Some Blues names for Women are: Sadie, Big Mama and Bessie

Some Blues names for Men are: Joe, Willie, Little Willie and Lightning.

Persons with names like Brenda or Julian will not be permitted to sing the blues, no matter how many men they shoot in Memphis.

Back to Top